Stone Age
“How can a love of sin, a love of prohibition and fear pull through?
How can desire and passion stay young when it passes through its stone age?
If society preaches for what is morally acceptable then I am bounded for eternal damnation for yearning an archaic love...
My mind is set years ahead my time, my body seeks stability of passion, my soul seeks for mature discoveries.
I once yearned for a Stone Age; my heart was soultry, my findings futile. The body does not feel without brain connection; mine comes at a late age.”
I'm sure that most people have no clue what I'm talking about. Let's remedy that shall we? How about plain English, yes?!
I have never had a sexual encounter. I am 24 years old, and have never had a real mature relationship and was never touched in full scale "down under" by a man. Of course that doesn't mean I am ignoramus about EVERYTHING, but still...it has never happened for me.
Peculiar things have started to occur in my life though, ever since I went abroad for studies. My mind always seemed to be in tune in with the mind-set of older men. I have always found myself more comfortable, and relaxed towards men who are considerably older than me. The communication flows and it's not an effort on my part to get my ideologies and my beliefs across to them, when it comes to older men.
I have tried many ridiculous personality tests online, and always I get the same result; I have the mind of a forty-year old. No wonder, I cannot connect emotionally and physically to any man my age. I am aware that I might be (in some cases) self-boycotting myself, but I cannot help this attraction, this magnetic force which draws me to the older age group of the opposite sex.
But a confession is a confession; I have to admit that in fantasising about men who could be my father, is not always a pleasant thing. Quite the contrary actually.
I have recently been very much in love with a man twice my age, married and far far away from me. Of course, distance prevents any physical connection, but the damage was done for the emotional and mental connection sector. I would gladly trade a lover who's my age for a MAN who's twenty years older than me if we can connect mentally and emotionally, and of course (alas!) physically.
How unfair it is for a soul like mine, to be left untouched, cold, and lonely, for not being able to taste a "fruit" which by the today's society's moral standards is considered as something wicked and shameful. Alas! What an agony and anguish is to live my age, and feel like someone else.
Of course, anyone in their right mind or the idealistic mind would say, screw society and live everything and anything you want now....but how can I, when others draw back in fear of what society will think and say for them?!
I am pinning over a lost cause, over a fleeting non existable dream that will never be. I am going against the current, fighting for race with no end when all I need is to just stop and learn how to breathe again.
“This unbridled passion flows through me...like a
Not making much sense again....I know. It must be my passion taking hold of me. Words of ecstasy getting their best of me. Alas! (Not poor Yorick, but poor me!)
Truly despicable passionate unwanted feelings for a Stone Age. Will it ever come to me? Will it ever be allowed to me? Will it ever stop being shameful for me?
(Passage inspired by title movie 'The Governess' 1998)
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