Try

I try. I always try to do what’s best. Not only for me but for others too. I’ve always thought that following rules and the system was the best solution for making my life better than it is. But I was wrong. Following the rules makes me get all the more sucked in this deception, this hypocrisy and cynicism of our society. Makes me become the bastard I’ve always been afraid of becoming. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone I don’t know how to understand. I don’t know how to recognize me anymore, how to listen to my deepest, truest desires. I’ve grown so detached from the life I’ve always wanted for myself, that I cannot force myself to go back and try again. I cannot stop lying, to others and to myself; cause that is what sells apparently and there’s not a day that passes by that I don’t look into my eyes and think: “What the hell happened to you? How did your life get so out of hand, so out of course? You are everything you don’t want to be, and you do nothing about it. You .Are. Worthless!”

Pain in my guts for everything lost. Everything that has passed all through my pointless insignificant little life. For every drop of sweat and blood I’ve shed to reach this chaos called ‘status quo’. I just pass through the days without any meaning at all. With no one on my side to share or to commend my efforts. With no one to hold my hand and reassure me that everything will turn out all right. To teach me how to breathe again and how to believe in me. Always blank people at my side. Always pass me by with no meaning and no reason to stay by me. But I have reached the point of chaos. And I made it here by myself. I look back and there’s nothing but regrets and fear of the unknown which lies ahead of me. The blackness which still lies ahead. How can I face it still on my own? But come on. It’s always been like that. I got the hang of it so what’s the difference alone or with company. Life’s shit anyway. Am I really able to change it by myself? No. But all I can do is…try!