Neg Head

Monday

He stayed till late that morning watching telly again. He knew he shouldn't have, he should have gotten some rest, but he couldn't help himself. He was groggy. Dragging himself to work today. There she was, calling again. He couldn't stand it when she was becoming neurotic. He knew deep down that it was all due to lack of trust. It was frustrating though. He hated his job. He felt so disconnected from his peers at work. He always felt like the odd fish out. But he didn't mind that. He actually knew that their professional persona was nothing but a sham. Losing himself inside a film or a TV series, always made him at ease. It was the only thing that could quieten his busy head. His "busy" head. That's what he called it. "I've got a busy head", he'd tell her and she'd look at him with that nervous look. He was so annoyed with her sometimes. How she would never relax and she'd get obsessed with the most trivial things. 

Another week ahead. He couldn't bear that place. He needed to unwind on the train. He took out his smart phone and flicked through his music playlists."This incessant use of technology", he thought to himself. He ended up being another techie victim and that was always a surprise to him still. He could still remember his old dodgy phone. He felt under the radar. A man with the double life, that no one knew nothing about. That stopped, ever she came into his life. As if she was a hurricane and took everything along with her. 

His tiny flat was completely unrecognisable 'cause of her. The big plasma telly, the washing machine, the cooker, the microwave, the hundreds of second hand books she kept buying from the charity shop - another obsession of hers he couldn't stand anymore; it was endearing at the beginning, it was getting out of hand now and he had no idea how to put an end to it - her clothes, her dog - "oh that bloody dog! That bloody woman!", he would matter to himself. 

He did love her though. He would give anything for her. He did give everything to her. There was a sense of gratitude in that love. And a sense of guilt. She was there for him when no one else was. And he loved her for that. Despite feeling trapped in the relationship, she was a great relief to have her in his life. Yes, she was exhaustively neurotic and unbelievably annoying, more often than not, but she was there. She held his hand no matter how many times he fucked up, and at the end of the day, she would kiss his wounds. 

She called him around lunch time, something which he hoped would be a brief call. She gibbered on for a bit for this and that and then she said: "Guess what I listened to this morning?", "Oh no, not one of her trivial questions again", he thought. He casually responded with indifference in his tone, "What". Her voice was chirpy but calm somehow. He preferred that. He abhorred hearing her sad or disgruntled. "Nils Frahm", she said. "No, way", he replied. "Me, too. Which song did you listen to? Which album? Was it 'Spaces'?". "YES!", she replied all excited. "I put 'Says' on. I felt I needed a music that would make me transport somehow. Take me out of this world. But at the same time get me connected with everything alive." He forgot. He forgot how much music connected them both. "That's exactly what I was feeling. That's why I put it on as well. I needed something to make me feel transported". It always took him by surprise at how much alike they both were when it came to music. Then again, that was one of the reasons he fell in love with her in the first place. Her musical knowledge always enticed and excited him. He liked sharing new and old music with her. It felt like a journey which was tailored just for them. 

He knew she loved her deep. Deep down, yes. But deep too. She was like flowing water. A vast river with deep waters and dark gorges. She could equally be hope and sadness together. Faith and misery. The polar opposites. Just like his was. Not just one thing, but all things rolled up in one. At that moment, he remembered why he once thought that meeting each other was no accident. It was a karma. He remembered now...

To be continued...